Acid?

Weight: 181.5.

I had a weight spike which put me at 182.6 a couple of weeks ago, but I'm already a full kilo down from that, so I'm hoping it's just water or something.

I'm still constantly hungry, and now also dealing with some pretty significant heart pounding, which leads me to consider whether I have some stomach issues. Maybe acid? The palpitations turned off like a light switch when I took anti-acid, so I'm gonna bring it up with my doctor at least.

Exercise is generally just not happening right now because I'm so stressed I can barely see straight, much less leave my house. Life is just never going to give me a goddamn break.

Always Hungry

Weight: 179.6.

That looks bad, but I was at 180.6 last week, so I'm hoping this means I'm working my way slowly back down.

I'm still counting calories, and I'm having a better idea generally of what I should aim for. Under 3000 kcal a day still seems like a good target, but I'm having trouble making it. I'm hungry all the damn time, even right after eating until my stomach is full. Of course, the first worry in my head is diabates, but my long term blood sugar was fine 2 months ago, so it seems unlikely I'd be getting symptoms now. The internet suggests it's a hydration issue, which is possible, so I'm gonna try that. If that doesn't work, there are suggestions that it might be a satiation issue that means I should change my diet.

So. There are things to try.

Exercise is a sore spot right now, but I do what I can, and I'm determined to not put myself down over it.

Outside of the weight and exercise issue, though, I feel really great, so that's what I'm focusing on right now.

Nothing is ever simple.

A lot has changed since my last post.

First of all, it became clear that my calculated maintenance level was wildly wrong. I had no way of knowing this, of course, since I used the online calculator like it told me to, but I'm still bitter.

Several hours of frustrating research later it became clear that a reliable calculator for a maintenance calorie level simply does not exist. The only method I could find that was even a little bit reliable was counting your calories for a period of time, usually a month or two, and if you've gained no weight in that period of time, the average daily intake should serve as a decent maintenance level.

So. I counted calories for as many days as I felt I could, and so far it seems my maintenance level is in the 3500 calorie range, which does seem a lot more likely than the just short of 5000 that I didn't even reach most days. Fuck you, calculator.

I haven't made an active choice to cut down on that number, but at least now I have a better idea of the range I should aim for. Under 3000 a day would be good, but usually I end up pretty close to the 3500. So we'll see how it goes.

Also, the scale issue continued to be frustrating, so I finally caved and cashed out for yet another one that's wider and can reliably weigh me. I haven't really had the courage to start weighing myself consistently again after getting it, but fully dressed at the doctor the other day put me at 179.9, and his scales always get me in roughly 2 kilos higher than my scales at home.

An initial test of the new scales gave me 178.5, but it was both late in the day and I was dressed, so not the most accurate.

Some day soon I'll find the courage to weigh myself naked in the morning again. Sooon.

Scale woes.

176.7. Again. I think.

My new scales are stupidly finicky, and makes getting a believable weight something of an ordeal. If I so much as breathe while standing on it, it jumps as much as a full kilo up or down, and it's extra shitty because I can't actually stand on it with both feet. I have to balance on one foot, and hope that's good enough.

With my old scales, that was never a problem. It weighed me fine and consistently accurate with my one-legged approach. But then it broke and I had to get a new one. -sigh-

The reason, btw, for standing on one leg, is that fat deposits have developed on the inside of my knees, preventing me from closing my lower legs unless I bend them. Which the scales won't accept at all, so...

One leg it is.

In any case, I've been counting calories all week, and I've consistently come in under my maintenence amount, but not always under my goal.

I do feel okay physically, however. Not a lot of water retention, and not even a hint of the hunger and stomach pains from last time when I cut down more drastically. So while there's a lot more math in my life than I ever expected, I have to say I greatly prefer this approach so far.

Guess we'll have to wait and see if it actually works enough for my scales to pick up.

Calories.

This morning the scales said 176,7 kg. Not bad.

I've been dabbling with counting calories lately, and yesterday for the first time I counted everything I ate.

I already established that my daily "calorie maintenance" is around 4912,5, and most websites recommended cutting down 20% as a good and easy starting goal. So I was aiming for 3930 calories, and I came in at 3250, which is 672 under the mark. So that was a good experiment.

Counting calories is hard work, though, and it definitely won't be something I can keep doing when my days become more busy. But at least this is where my autism and dependence on habit comes in handy, because I eat pretty much the same things over and over again, and make them the same way every time. So once I've calculated the calories in something, I probably won't have to do it again.

But the goal also isn't to diet by counting everything for the rest of my life. The goal is teaching myself the appropriate amounts to eat of things, which... has been pretty goddamn skewed. Probably in part because I'm fat, and people have literally screamed diabetes at me since my early teens, sugar has been pretty harshly villified in my mind, when fat is actually the worst offender, calorie-wise.

So I've got a lot to learn.

Stay tuned.

"Sometime next year" later...

The magical "sometime next year" has arrived, and it's time to get back on the horse.

During the time of high stress I did gain some weight, but as of this morning the scale said 177.4, and that's frankly better than I thought.

My body feels aboslutely terrible, though, so I gotta get back to it. I'm constantly dealing with huge water retention, and I feel heavy and lethargic, despite probably getting more exercise than before.

I've started using an exercise app. Not for the exercise as much as just a reminder to get up and move around, because I do tend to be hugely sedentary in my life. So first step to feeling better would be to combat this.

The meals is where it's at, though, and while I've already cut down some, it's definitely not enough. But I wanted to start up very gently, since I'm only just barely over the stress-hump, and pushing myself too hard is a recipe for disaster.

So right now I'm back to eating six smaller meals a day, though this time "smaller" is kind of a loose term. Smaller really just means "cut in half where possible, and don't feel too bad if it doesn't happen".

Baby steps.

Back on the horse!

Day who even knows anymore.

Well, I haven't posted here since July, with good reason. Life is fucking chaos, and will probably remain that way until sometime next year.

But the good news is that I remain somewhat steady at 175 kg, and if I can just keep it there until life gets less stressful, I hope I can get back on track and lose another 7-9 kg.

Fingers crossed!