Day 40: The First Snack Purchase.

Fell thoroughly off the wagon today, despite ages of wavering. It's definitely a mental thing, though, nothing remotely physical about it, several days of low-key stress concluding with the inevitable sadness of saying goodbye to my son again yesterday. The slip was bound to happen at some point, and I'm not surprised it's now.

My stomach hurts, though, quite badly, after a bag and a half of potato chips, and while my mood did improve slightly from the comfort eating, the physical discomfort is quite a lot more disturbing than I remember it being before.

So that's good news. And lasting 40 days before buying snacks at all? I am still patting myself on the back. And apologizing to my stomach for putting it through this. :(

I'll try and see if I can't go swimming tomorrow to try and make up for it a little.

Day 38: Fuck Sugar.

I had sugary junk at a social thing today, and now, several hours later, I'm still drowning in my urge to eat, and craving all of my favorite snacks. Ugh.

Fuck sugar.

Day 37: Wibbly-Wobbly.

Went swimming with kiddo today, and while my lard is usually quite flabby and jiggly under water, today it was downright ridiculous. It felt like a badly fitted body-suit as soon as I was in the water. It was actually a little creepy. I sure do hope this is a good sign.

It probably is, because I didn't feel nearly as physically wrecked afterwards as I usually do. So I'm taking it as a win.

Day 36: Elitist.

Having my son (6 year old energy-bomb) around means that inevitably there'll be more exercise and less time to eat. So today is a good day for the diet. Yesterday was Christmas, so I didn't so much slip off the wagon as jump right the fuck off the back end.

But still, even though I felt I went completely and totally off, setting myself no real limits, I was still full on less than a third of what I ate last year, and felt almost zero urge to eat any of the candy and other stuff on display.

Only thing that was kinda bothering me was that I felt vaguely elitist about what I ate. Apparently, knowing that I only have a limited amount to intake, I only want the things I like BEST. Everything else is blah, even though I usually kinda like it.

Day 35: Weigh-in.

Weird day today. Despite having been really struggling with the diet for the past week, at least, I stepped on the scales this morning (because it's Thursday) and despite it being after breakfast, the scales showed me a surprising 178.1 kg. Maybe my theory of my weight moving in jumps isn't so far off.

Also, Merry Christmas. :)

Day 34.

So many stomach noises today, omg. But it's probably to be expected at least somewhat considering the holidays, where, inevitably, certain seasonal things will mess up my new habits. But I'm still doing my best. We'll see how that goes over the next few days.

UPDATE:

Eating sugar apparently not only makes me more hungry, but also somehow removes the natural limit on my intake that I've worked so hard to find again. Duly noted for the future.

Day 33.

Getting slowly better, I hope.

Busy busy day. Trying to be good to myself. Trying real hard.

Day 32.

Very rocky these days. Trying. Failing a lot, but still trying. That's the best I can do.

Day 31.

Fuck. My mental state is kinda in the toilet right now, and using up all my energy on just doing the most basic things means that there's not much left over to concentrate on my eating habits or forcibly ignoring cravings.

But to stay focused on the positive side, I have still only once bought a snack item, and that was for sharing with my son. I have not bought junk for myself, even once, since starting this. And I'm also still listening to my stomach, so I've almost completely eliminated my tendency to over-eat. And that's a good start!

For comparison I can reveal that before this I'd gone into a horrible cycle of comfort-eating and over-eating, where most of my meals were either chocolate, potato chips or greasy breaded things. And I kept eating until I physically could not cram anything more into my gut. I ate out of boredom, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was lonely, or anytime the tiniest tickle of hunger struck. It sounds ugly, because it was, and I hope I can avoid ending up there again, ever.

So. More positive things:

I hardly ever fart anymore, as compared to all the damn time.
My bowels are happier in general.
The oedemas are still happening, but to a lesser degree.
My psoriasis seems to be less severe, but it still fluctuates, so it's hard to say.
My eating habits are now diabetes friendly, so hopefully I can avoid or at least postpone that.

Bottom line: I'm doing okay. And once my brain is a little better, I can work harder at it again.

Day 30.

Sugar craving is absurdly intense, ugh. :(

UPDATE:

Dammit. I slipped. :(

Day 29.

Thursday. Time to weigh in.

Still 182+. Still getting error message.

Oh well. Slogging onwards.

Day 28.

After a few days of massive emotional issues, I think I'm finally ready to get back on the horse.

I think I'm gonna have to face that I can't keep my portions as small as I'd hoped. Not all of them, anyway. My levels of hunger seem to fluctuate a lot, and trying to stick to a specific volume is adding more trouble than the simplicity I was hoping for.

Some changes are happening, though. My stomach has become a lot more flabby, meaning that when I lie on my side, it kinda pancakes down, which it didn't do before. I'm not going on the scale until tomorrow, so I don't know if the numbers will back me up on this.

But as for the scales, there is an option I have not considered yet. All time weight I've gained over the years has always come in bursts. My weight would stay the same for sometimes years on end, and then over the span of a week to a month, I would gain 10 kilos. It's possible that losing weight would function the same. It would suck, but it's possible.

I doubt it'll be the case, because my diet changes have been quite a lot more drastic than they ever were when I was gaining, so I'm assuming it would be a shorter time before the weight would drop. I don't know, it's just a theory.

Also, confession time: the past few days I pigged out. It's okay. I expected this to happen at some point, and I'm glad it only did once my emotional levels reached an absolute low. This bodes well for the future and my general level of willpower.

And apart from my belly, I feel like I look different when I look in the mirror, but not in any way I can put my finger on. Oh well. It might be wishful thinking, it might not. I took a full body picture before I started, and in a few more months I can take another one and compare.

UPDATE:

Stuck to it all day, and went out on the bike as well. I count today as a success.

Day 27.

No. Just no.

Day 26.

Sticking to it.

UPDATE:

No I'm not.

Day 25.

Huge headache all day, so I haven't been able to keep track all that well of how much I've eaten, but it's probably not that much more than usual. Although I will be having a slightl larger evening meal, because the headache has finally lifted, only to give way to screaming hunger, and I'm just too drained to fight it right now.

-sigh-

Day 24.

I keep having tiny slip ups, but all things considered they're still minor. Things like one extra meal a day when I'm completely exhausted or extremely hungry, or a slightly bigger portion occasionally. I have still only had one junk/snack related slip up during the entire 24 day period. And only two other times have I even eaten sugary things at all, and that was in a social gathering, and I did not overdo it at all.

So even though I'm struggling, I'm determined not to forget how far I've come already.

Exercise was also had today, about 3 kms on bikes with the kiddo, outside in the sunshine. :) Oedemas came back yesterday (possibly related to my very salty dinner on Thursday) and I took a pill for it. And omfg, the first time I took one of those pills pretty much nothing happened, and I was underwhelmed. But that was before the diet change, and now? Now I felt like water ran right through me like a sieve! It definitely also helped the pressure on my skin, ahhh.

This gives me a little bit of hope that when I get on the scale again on Thursday I'll be able to weigh myself again.

Day 23.

My son is coming home for the weekend, so it'll be interesting to see if I can stick to the diet while he's here.

Only time will tell.

UPDATE:

Stuck to it so far, but I'm worn out. Exercise was had, though, about 2 kms of walking, because kiddo's gotta have fresh air.

I'm gonna go easy on myself for my last meal of the day, because oh lord, I'm bushed.

Day 22.

I was horribly depressed and upset yesterday, but I still pretty much stuck to the plan. Didn't eat more junk, just probably a little bigger portions.

Hopefully today will be the day I get back into it completely.

I started the day by going on the scales, and I got the same error message, so I'm running out of excuses on that one. But I also probably can't expect much to happen without exercise, so. Gonna have to work on that.

I might just let Thursday mornings be the time to do the weighing. So.

Today's weight:

182+ kg.

UPDATE: Overdid it slightly on the portions again. Dinner keeps being a problem. I need to learn how to cook less food.

Day 21.

Thought I'd get back on the horse today since I'm feeling a lot better, but I guess i'm not ready yet, because I'm absurdly tired today. So I'll start up again slowly, try my best, but not push it.

The skin on my stomach is definitely more saggy, it's very obvious today. So yay! Something happened!

UPDATE:

Fuck today. Fuck it.

Day 20.

Yeah, doing numbers for the days, now.

Still sick.

Had a sugary snack that would normally have lasted me a few hours but now took me over a day to slowly munch my way through. That's definitely progress.

I'm still absurdly hungry all the time right now, but even so I think I need to remind myself of how far I've already come. My stomach now gives me very clear stop signs when it's full, and it takes less than a third of what I used to consider a single serving to get there. And that's not counting the seconds I always had, too.

So if I can just make it habit to actually listen to what my stomach is saying, I should stand a better chance of keeping the weight down in the future once I get it to a healthier point.

Still haven't decided when I'm gonna go on the scale. No convenient point has revealed itself. Eh. I'll get to it.

UPDATE:

Went on the scales. Have nothing to report, since I got an error message again. So I can't say if it's because I've gained back what little weight I lost, or if my scale is just broken. I mostly suspect I've gotten the weight back, though, because it did show me a brief weight inidication while I supported myself on something for balance. So yeah. Probably gained it all back somehow.

So I guess as soon as I'm done being sick it's back on the horse, and probably cutting the meals down further. As long as I can't manage the exercise, it's gonna have to come from the food. -sigh-

UPDATE #2:

I just remembered another thing I wanted to add. It could be my imagination, but my skin feels looser. Like the volume of my body is the same, but softer? Like the fat isn't pushing at my skin so hard. I read something similar from another weight-loss blogger, so I'm hoping that's also a good sign.

Also, water retention is a thing, and I should also probably not weigh myself in the evening when a) all the food of the day is still in my system and b) water retention is worst.

So yeah. No point in being too fatalistic. I'm doing okay.

Day Nineteen.

I'm sick today. And I can't decide if it's because I'm sick or just because I have less energy to spare to forcibly ignore it, but I'm hungry literally non stop. And I think I'm not gonna police myself today. I'm simply too tired.

Back on the horse as soon as I'm done feeling like hammered crap.

Day Eighteen.

Today has been weird.

I had my usual breakfast and then ended up eating nothing for the rest of the day, at least until dinner time where I ate way more than my alloted meal size. But the good news is that I was unable to finish what I had on my plate, despite there being quite a bit less than what I was used to before, and while I did eat more after coming home and kinda ruined it, I'm glad I at least felt when my stomach was full, and tried to listen to it.

Still no exercise, but I did a lot of house cleaning stuff today, so I kinda hope that counts.

Day Seventeen

The slip last night was actually pretty minor. I had two extra slices of bread. I didn't even go for something sweet, so I'm taking that as a win, that I gave in to hunger, not a craving for junk.

Today has gone by pretty much like the previous days. Once again I overdid it slightly with my evening meals, but I'm starting to think that it's simply my body's rhythm. In the early hours of the day I feel like tiny meals are filling enough, but in the evening I'm not satisfied unless I have slightly bigger meals.

Again, I hope this means I'm more in tune with my body and its needs. I've definitely become more aware of when I put too much into my stomach at once. So that's progress.

Still no exercise, but, again, that's a bigger and more difficult habit to build. We'll see.

Day Sixteen.

Had sugary things today during a social event. And I don't think my stomach likes it after so long without. Some serious cramping going on, and once again it's like the sugar jump starts the hunger all over again.

So possibly this is just a nice thing to know in the future. Eat sugar = get painfully hungry. Also no exercise today, because all my mental energy was spent being social.

Still keeping to my diet at home, but I feel I might slip up tonight. The sudden hunger after the few blissful days without are kinda hitting me hard. Might up the portions slightly for my two last meals of the day.

I should probably also pick a week day to hop on the scales, but, meh.

UPDATE:

As predicted I increased my evening meal, and I was still hungry after. Ugh. I also went on the scales and there was no change what so ever, and I didn't bother to double check.

Today is a horrible day mentally, though, so I'm gonna cut myself some slack.

UPDATE:

I slipped tonight. Back on the horse tomorrow.

Day Fifteen.

Two weeks have officially gone by, and I have not yet had any kind of snacks. I will, eventually, of course, because the goal is to eat "normally", with all the flexibility that entails. But for now I'm just gonna try and see how long I can go without.

Yesterday was weird, though, and my routine got a little screwed. So I ended up only having five of my six meals, and I felt remarkably little hunger. I can't decide yet if this is a good or a bad thing. More time is needed.

I also didn't get my exercise, but that's okay. It's a difficult habit to start, and I won't beat myself up over it.

I did get on my actual bike today to go to the doctor and run errands, so some exercise has been achieved today. Errands included grocery shopping, and yet again I avoided buying junk. -fistpump-

UPDATE:

Slipped a little bit tonight, but it was so minor I'm not even sure I should count it as slipping. My last meal of the day got a little larger and more calorie-heavy than the optimal, and I also had a cup of tea with sugar, which might have jump started my sweet tooth to begin with.

Day Fourteen.

TWO WEEK MARK! :D

Stomach pains have so far today been almost entirely absent. It could be just time, but it could also have something to do with two small changes.

First of all, I am now allowing myself to drink milk (or sugar free chocolate milk) and not count it as a meal. It won't be a huge change, because I don't drink much milk, usually, but I've had one full glass every day for the past three days, and it's helped with the mid-day pangs.

Secondly, I've tried to adjust meals a little more loosely, and times when I've been very hungry I've allowed myself a little more. Hopefully this means I'm more in tune with my body, and isn't a sign that I'm slipping. Only time will tell, I guess.

Craving for potato chips is HUGE today, though. HUGE. Must show restraint.

Day Thirteen

Long story short: still going strong.

Stomach pains have finally been absent a whole glorious day, possibly after my decision to allow myself a slightly bigger evening meal last night, or it could just be my stomach finally getting used to the portion sizes.

Did not get on my exercise bike today, but I got lots of other shit done and was pretty busy overall, so I'm not gonna beat myself up about it.

I also think my scale is a little screwy, because I went on it three times and got differences of up to a whole kg in either direction. So I'm gonna leave it be for a while. Maybe it needs batteries? I don't know, and I also don't care that much right now. I should probably only weigh myself once a week anyway. -shrug-

I've also been less dizzy for a few days, so here's hoping it'll go away completely.